All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
