Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
