Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just cropdusted the office
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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