If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
