Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
