dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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