if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
