some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
