i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
