I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
