We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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