I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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