Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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