hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize