Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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