Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize