I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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