Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
