the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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