I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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