: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
