I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
