You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
