Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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