Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
