you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm getting married
To pizza
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize