paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
