you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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