I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
