He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize