Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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