My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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