my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
