I could make wine with my vomit
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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