you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
