This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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