At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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