How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize