its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
