Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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