hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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