i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize