He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
