Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize