By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
