I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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