i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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