if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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