I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize