the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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