Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
