I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
