she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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