just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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