i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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