Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
